The Fire Within: Why Your Anger Isn't About What Others Say
How one terrible day taught me that our real power lies not in controlling what happens to us, but in choosing how we respond.
The Fire Within: A Stoic Approach to Workplace Anger
How one terrible day taught me that our real power lies not in controlling what happens to us, but in choosing how we respond.
I was having one of those days. You know the type — running late, feeling unwell, dealing with unexpected bad news, completely exhausted and uncomfortable in my own skin. Everything that could go wrong seemed to be going wrong.
Then, as if the universe had a sense of humor, someone decided that was the perfect moment to offer me unsolicited advice.
My blood boiled. Every fiber of my being wanted to snap, to tell this well-meaning person exactly what they could do with their commentary. The words were right there, loaded and ready to fire.
But I didn't.
Instead, I kept quiet and walked away, because somewhere in my frustrated mind, I knew I had nothing good to say. On the surface, I probably looked calm, maybe even dismissively professional. Inside, though? I was absolutely furious.
Here's the twist: I wasn't really angry at them. I was angry at myself.
The Real Target of Our Anger
Angry at myself for being late. For feeling unprepared. For not having my act together. Most of all, I was furious that I had let it all get to me in the first place.
But even that self-directed frustration became something valuable — a lesson wrapped in discomfort.
We're human first, Stoic second. We're going to have days when everything feels like it's falling apart, when our emotional armor has cracks, when a simple comment can feel like the last straw. The question isn't whether we'll face these moments. The question is what we do next.
Because that choice — how we respond when we're tested — that's where our real power lives.
Understanding the Source of Our Fire
Here's what I learned from that terrible, wonderful day: Anger doesn't come from what people say to us. It comes from our thoughts about what they say. From the stories we tell ourselves when we're already carrying the weight of grief, stress, guilt, or exhaustion.
Think of these emotions as kindling, slowly accumulating in the background of our daily lives. We carry them with us — the disappointment from yesterday's meeting, the worry about tomorrow's deadline, the guilt over the email we forgot to send. These feelings pile up, creating the perfect conditions for combustion.
Then someone makes an innocent comment, offers advice, or simply exists in our orbit at the wrong moment. That comment becomes the spark. But here's the crucial insight: the fire doesn't come from the spark itself. It comes from all that kindling we've been carrying around.
The Choice That Changes Everything
In that moment of ignition, we face a fundamental choice. We can feed the fire — let our thoughts spiral, nurse our grievances, and allow our emotions to dictate our actions. Or we can step away from the flame.
Stepping away doesn't mean we're weak or that we're avoiding the issue. It means we recognize that our current emotional state isn't serving us or anyone else. It means we understand that responding from a place of anger rarely leads to the outcome we actually want.
When I walked away from that conversation, I wasn't being dismissive of the other person. I was being honest about my own limitations in that moment. I was choosing not to let my internal chaos become someone else's problem.
The Practice of Gentle Self-Accountability
If you've ever found yourself in a similar situation — holding your tongue but walking away seething — you're not alone. It's a uniquely human experience, this gap between our external composure and our internal storm.
I'm learning that preparation matters. Not just logistical preparation (though being on time certainly helps), but emotional preparation. Taking stock of what I'm carrying before I walk into interactions with others. Asking myself: What kindling am I bringing to this conversation?
I'm learning to be gentler with myself when I fall short of my own standards. Self-compassion isn't self-indulgence; it's strategic. When we treat ourselves with kindness, we're less likely to project our internal frustration onto others.
Most importantly, I'm learning that grace under pressure isn't about never feeling angry. It's about choosing how to channel that energy, even when — especially when — it's difficult.
Where Your Power Really Lives
The ancient Stoics understood something profound about human nature: we cannot control what happens to us, but we always have control over how we respond. That response isn't just about our actions; it begins with our thoughts, our interpretations, and the stories we choose to tell ourselves about our circumstances.
Your coworker's comment isn't inherently triggering. Your boss's feedback isn't automatically devastating. The traffic jam isn't personally targeting you. These events become problems when we add our own narrative of frustration, inadequacy, or victimhood.
This isn't about positive thinking or pretending difficult situations don't matter. It's about recognizing where your actual influence lies. You can't control the comment, but you can control your thoughts about it. You can't control the feedback, but you can control what you do with it. You can't control the traffic, but you can control how you spend that unexpected time.
The Next Time Fire Threatens
The next time you feel that familiar spark — when someone's words hit you at exactly the wrong moment, when your internal kindling is primed for ignition — remember this:
You have a choice. You can feed the fire with rumination, resentment, and reactive behavior. Or you can step away from it, recognizing that your current emotional state is temporary and that your response will outlast your feelings.
That choice, made in a moment of pressure, is where your real power lives. Not in controlling what others say or do, but in choosing what you think and how you respond.
Because at the end of the day, we're all carrying something. The question isn't whether we'll face moments that test us. The question is whether we'll let those moments define us or whether we'll use them to practice the kind of person we want to become.
Choose your response. Choose your power.
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