Why Self-Improvement Makes People Uncomfortable (And How to Actually Help)
Why do people get embarrassed talking about self-improvement? Why do they hide their personal growth journey from strangers—and even worse, from the people closest to them?
There's a troubling pattern here, and it reveals something uncomfortable about human nature.
The Fear of Change (Theirs and Yours)
When you tell friends or family about your self-improvement efforts, they often dismiss what you're saying or immediately offer unsolicited advice to steer you in a different direction. This isn't always the case, but it happens frequently enough to be a real problem.
Part of it stems from their fear for you—they're genuinely worried you might get hurt or disappointed. But there's a deeper, more uncomfortable truth: keeping you the way you are feels safer for them. As dysfunctional as that sounds, change in others threatens the status quo of relationships.
The worst part? Instead of listening to understand what you're going through, they jump straight to "fixing" you with their advice.
The Problem with Unsolicited Advice
Unsolicited advice is the worst kind. It's fundamentally different from responding to someone who specifically asks for your input. Even when someone does ask for advice, the right approach is to hear them out first and make sure they've said everything they need to say.
It's hard to restrain yourself sometimes. You think you know what's best for them. You have tons of experience with what they're talking about. You feel like they have to listen to you because if they don't, they'll fall and get hurt.
This is your ego talking. Shut it up and listen.
When you give "life-saving advice" before someone is done talking, you're telling them several harmful things:
You're being dismissive
You don't value their thoughts or opinions
They're foolish, immature, and incompetent
Unsolicited Advice is About Control
Here's the uncomfortable truth: giving unsolicited advice is a form of control. You're trying to control the other person's thoughts and decisions. This approach is dangerous—it can make people stop trusting you or even avoid you altogether.
Instead, try this approach: Listen and ask Socratic questions.
The Power of Socratic Questioning
Socratic questions are designed to help people draw their own conclusions. They help someone examine their beliefs and methods, exposing contradictions and flaws in their thinking—but in a way that preserves their autonomy and dignity.
Beware of leading questions. Leading questions push a person toward the answer you think is right.
Leading Questions (What NOT to Do):
"Don't you think it's wrong to lie?" (pushes toward "yes")
"Wouldn't you agree that exercise is important?" (suggests the "right" answer)
"Isn't it obvious that we need more funding?" (implies one conclusion)
Socratic Questions (What TO Do):
"What makes something right or wrong?" (explores the principle)
"How do you decide what's important in life?" (examines values)
"What would happen if we had unlimited funding?" (tests assumptions)
Same Topic, Different Approaches
Leading approach: "Don't you think stealing is always wrong, even in desperate situations?"
Socratic approach: "You say stealing is wrong. What makes an action wrong? Are there situations where breaking a rule might serve a greater good? How do we weigh competing moral claims?"
The Crucial Difference
Leading questions have a hidden agenda and try to manipulate toward a predetermined conclusion
Socratic questions genuinely seek to understand the person's reasoning and help them think more clearly, wherever that leads
When you use leading questions or give unsolicited advice, people often just tell you what you want to hear so they can end the conversation or get you to stop talking. They're not actually considering your input—they're managing you.
A good Socratic questioner is genuinely curious about the person's thinking process and doesn't know exactly where the conversation will end up. You're exploring together rather than steering toward a specific destination.
The Bottom Line
People need to think for themselves and come to their own conclusions. If they specifically ask, "Tell me what you would do in this situation?" then it's okay to offer some advice. But keep it brief and always return to Socratic questioning as your default, because you want them to develop their own thinking.
Become a good listener. Learn to restrain yourself. Even if you "know better," your friend will appreciate your restraint more than your advice.
The goal isn't to be right—it's to help others think clearly and maintain relationships built on respect rather than control.
This approach doesn't just apply to personal relationships. The same dynamic plays out in professional settings, where the ability to ask good questions rather than give directives often determines whether you're seen as a valuable collaborator or just another person trying to control outcomes.
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